Cloned Britannia

Alright so maybe you’re one of those bible belt Christians preaching about the evils of Dolly the Sheep and GM foods, but you don’t need a fluffy animal or an overly perfect apple to demonstrate the dangers of cloning.

Just take a walk down Richmond’s High Street. Boots, Strada, Zizzis, All Bar One, McDonalds, Next. I could go on, but I’m sure you get the picture.

The reality is that we are all becoming engulfed in a monotony of retail hell symbolised ever so eloquently by a woman slapping her own arse in satisfaction at how cheap the Turkey Twizzlers were in Isle 2.

So what’s a week like in Richmond these days? Well on Monday you could start off with a trip to the video store (they’ve all been renamed Blockbuster) and get out a violent epic called Demolition Man. It’s set in the future and every restaurant has become a Taco Bell. Surely not!

Then on Tuesday why not try the cinema? These have all been renamed Odeon with the notable exception of Richmond’s Filmhouse which is frequented by men who think their dates will be impressed by subtitles.

(French if you’re looking for romance, Spanish if you had something more saucy in mind than a coffee in Starbucks after the film)

On Wednesday why not stay in and get pissed. You can buy a few beers from an off licence. These have all been renamed Threshers, Victoria Wine, Wine Rack and Bottoms Up. Before you get too excited about this diverse spectrum you may wish to know that they are all owned by the Threshers Group and the prices are rigged like a 1970s oil cartel controlled by JR Ewing.

How about Thursday? You could get plastered at your local Irish Pub (these are all currently being renamed O’Neills). If a wine bar is more your scene these are now all known as All Bar One.

Alright so by Friday you’ve probably had a bit too much to drink and need to soak up the alcohol with a burger. Well burger restaurants used to be called Tootsies, but these days they’re more commonly known as Gourmet Burger Kitchen.

So on Saturday you want to relax. Well’s that’s okay as you could try the Jacuzzi in a local sports club. These are in the process of all being renamed Esporta or David Lloyd.

Then on Sunday, it’s a day of rest so you’ll probably just put you’re feet on your sofa (these are now only available at a shop called Ikea which is located in some godforsaken place off the North Circular).

You may even watch some TV. There’s a great choice. Drama on BBC1, which is then repeated on BBC2, rescreened on BB3, and then eventually shown as a documentary on BBC4, and finally sold of to ITV1, to be repeated on ITV2 etc etc.

By the end of your week a world full of Taco Bell’s sounds just a little more plausible. So welcome to Richmond!